Seder Moments

Why is this night different from all other nights?

I am three years old and the table is set for four. My mother, father, and grandfather are gaping as I look at my haggadah and read. My little sister isn't born yet but my mother has been so busy she forgot to teach me the questions. I don't know that I'm not supposed to know how to read, so they stare at me in shock as I ask.

She-b'khol ha-layloht anu okhlin chameytz u-matzah...

I am five years old, sitting in a seat made for a larger person, kicking my heels in the air. To my right and left are classmates, bouncing along or bored as per their nature, as the blonde woman with the guitar tries to get us to echo back. I am bobbing to the rhythm of the chant, ticking my head back and forth to mimic her eagerness.

She-b'khol ha-layloht anu okhlin sh'ar y'rakot...

I am seven years old and my sister is proud as anything to take over the questioning. I am sad that I no longer get to sing my song, but I sit quietly and listen and help her through the tricky parts.

She-b'khol ha-layloht ayn anu mat'bilin...

I am fifteen years old. We have a new cousin and a new tradition and old, old haggadahs as I sift through the yellow covers to find the crayon-scratches that mark it as mine. My sister now is the one who helps with the tricky parts as I flip through my book, trying to remember coloring it in. I can't.

...afilu pa'am echat...

I am nineteen years old and at my first college seder. The rabbi's daughter climbs up on her chair and leads eighty undergrads in a rousing chorus of the Ma Nishtanah. Everyone sings along and applauds her as she finishes.

She-b'khol ha-layloht anu okhlin bayn yosh'bin u'vayn m'soobin...

I am twenty-one years old and am laughing as we turn the page. Mah nishtanah ha-lilah ha-zeh mi-kol halaylot? I know why this night is different from all other nights. Tonight as I sit reclining I am connected back through the years and back further than that. Tonight we are all reclining and remembering, and tonight is the tradition that reminds us: I am free.

Tonight I say once more, Baruch ata adonai elohenu melech ha olam, shehecheyanu, v'kiyimanu, v'higiyanu laz'man hazeh.